Hey awesome people!
I have walked the face of the earth for twenty years, ten months, fifteen days and an undefined number of seconds (I am still walking on it :) ). I once lay on the evergreen grass patch behind our homely Kiganjo house feeling trapped.
I made a mental note to tell Daktari, then it hit me that the conversation would be strange.
“What do you mean, “You’re feeling trapped?” He would ask, propping his chin with his pen, his rugged expression narrow with humor.
Where exactly would I start?
I need to stop being subject to the laws of science, like matter and gravity. When I see a wall, I want to scale it in my six inch stilettos without landing hard on my gluteus and cracking some vertebra. I want to dance on the ceiling; moonwalk like Michael Jackson and sway like Britney Spears. I want to climb trees with the agility of a monkey and scare away bad humans with my fangs, like a leopard does. I want to walk through hills and reach directly into mum’s snack cabinet without having to break into it. I want to sit on the runway whilst an Airbus A-380 is coming in for landing without freaking out. I would love to jump from the Everest and scream through the eight kilometer drop without a parachute and not bust my skull.
I wish I didn’t have to count the calories in my food and eat no more than 1200 of them. I want to eat fries, chicken, pastries, meat, salty and sugary stuff without ever looking like a walking display of the effects of what they call a ‘poor diet’. I want to relax at the beach in a bikini, look like a busted can of corned beef or cheese and not give a damn. I want to fit into any dress, especially those cute high-lows and leather skater dresses made for girls with 48% of my waist circumference. Moreover, I want to go swimming with my lovely and toned classmates and not feel like I have an inbuilt floater on my waist.
I need to stop being subject to the concept of time. I am not for silly unspoken rules like ‘Be up by 0700hrs, attend that 0900hrs class and within that time, jog, brush your fangs, have a quick cold bath without getting a mild stroke, consume 3 liters of stiff coffee to shoo sleep away and brown bread for the Chromium reserves, carry the right books and walk to school. Why can’t I rise 0300hrs, jog, have dinner, go back to bed…something disorganized like that and be perfectly fine? Why should I have to sweat all the way instead of snapping my fingers and appearing in the right class? (Most times I arrive on time only to get late trynna find my class in the wrong hemisphere of school).
I want to stop being shy. It is the only barrier between me and the girls I would love to be my friends, and the reason my crushes remain just that. Crushes. For once I need to stop being so subject to my emotions and what people feel about me. Nothing would please me better than to have a blank or sleepy expression while facing this planet’s bullies, instead of having my eyes melt hopelessly. I do not want to be subject to the cliché ‘No man is an island’. I want to enjoy my own company and not feel neither empty nor lonely.
I want to be infinitely good. I want to be a great hip-hop dancer, ballet dancer, model, skater, swimmer, singer, poet and actress. I want to run at 110 km/hr and not at 3 km/hr, after which I flip out and feel my lungs begging to crawl out my nose,where the Oxygen bounty is. I want to be good in math and organic chemistry and bioengineering. I want to be a lawyer, psychologist, geneticist, rugby player and sniper when I grow up.
More than everything on this planet, I want to protect everyone and everything I love. I want to be at everyone’s service. I want to protect the young children in Baringo County, Syria, ISIS held areas and other places from PTSD. I wish I could cover their eyes from the horrific scenes of their parents being executed and homes being razed to the ground. I want to heal everyone in hospital and at home that is in severe pain and has no access to funds or painkillers. I wish I could protect us from rapidly mutating viruses, armed militia that shoot us in the head without a second thought, rogue police, rapists, bad teachers, thieving politicians, illness and pain. I wish our families would stay intact and we enjoyed happiness and a pure and infinite peace of mind.
In short, I want to be a free spirit, roaming wild, naked and free. No barriers, no positive and negative attributes, no meds. Just me.
However, time has not come for me to be a free spirit yet. So I will remain trapped in my imperfectly perfect body and will do everything it takes to feel happy and okay. Like eat healthy and avoid the beach.