Hey awesome hoomans!
This is not my suicide note. It is that of a young lady who we least expect to want to take her life. This goes to show how real high functioning depression is, among our classmates, colleagues, friends and family.
“Call me a coward. That is ok. It is also true because I am deeply afraid of what I have become.
Over time I have become this perpetually sad and tired shell of a human being. I have slept and struggled through 17 hour and 7 hour shifts respectively; that is what my life is. During the day I will adorn my hollow body in pretty clothes that my amazing job has bought me, and hide the eye bags with layers of designer concealer and eye-shadow. I’m done with heels already, trying to feel high is not working anymore; so outside I am a well put together career lady in a well cut charcoal grey suit, immaculate makeup and cute flats and inside I am freaking empty and it hurts like hell.
I have been put on various antidepressant cocktails; the weirdest mixtures and doses that are not working. I have been knocked out for forty eight hours straight and shaken like a leaf in an F2 tornado. I eat too much junk food and now that my metabolism has hit a snag, I am gaining weight, my corneas burn every time I step outside, my blood pressure is below 85 systolic and I have lost energy to perform basic functions, leave alone exercise. I cannot indulge in wine once in a while to help me relax because when my meds interact with it I will feel worse.
Everything is a trigger. The music on the morning radio show, the sound of a baby laugh, the sight of a church or the sight of a happy couple embracing on the street. Even a flower makes me anxious. The sight of these things reminds me of the sadness deep seated in my chest, which rises like a tsunami and engulfs my entire system. It is an old pain that I identify with so well; so badly.
I am sorry. I am a burden to my parents, colleagues and roommate. I know at times she wants to stab me in the back because I am unbearable. That’s ok; I can barely withstand myself either.
I fear happiness, because it does not last long.
At home I am the epitome of sadness. What makes it weird is how I am apparently supposed to be happy with my Law degree and beautiful flat and good salary. I want to give these blessings to someone who deserves them, because I don’t want them. I feel like setting my certificates on fire. I do not want to go out anymore because I will ruin the outing for my other friends. My Diploma in Law is really tough; I can handle it, but I know on graduation day I will be so sad I will not let anyone know that I am done.
So now I will take my final bow.I need to feel nothing,I need to be numb. Being me is exhausting and I am all cried out. I have been hurt and taken advantage of by everyone I have met, but it's Ok. Besides, my face has this invisible sign that screams "Hey there, I'm broken, come break me further". When it came to making a choice, I was never chosen. How could I be chosen and yet I had never chosen me?
It has always been like I never existed, so now, I will cease to exist.
I need everyone to know that it was my decision to cross the rainbow bridge and this is absolutely no one's fault. I am just tired. My dream was to be a lawyer; here I am and I cannot even savor the experience. I am done being a bother to everyone, I am done struggling to keep the sadness out of my eyes and I am done with the pitiful stares. I am done taking these awful meds. I am taking control, and I hope someday you can all forgive me. Bye, till we meet again."
Take a minute. Reach out. Listen. Save a life.